my neck hurts and i'm tired and i have 10123098123 pages of homework to do. plus i'm already getting a C in precal and it's only been about a month. bah! i need to learn me some trig.

choir is fun. i got call of the flowers down pretty well. i just need to learn how to correctly pronounce all the french and i'll be set. i'm really glad...i drilled myself for what seemed like an hour last night on the notes, the rhythm...i didn't need to drill the notes, though; we did that during the sectional today after choir. fun stuff. i love our sopranos this year! most of them are new (only krystal, amber and i are returning members), and only three (out of 10) are upper-classmen. i want to do another soprano sleepover like we did my freshman year...with better t-shirts though. hehe.

i submitted my ballot for YC yesterday and i emailed frances about the life in the spirit retreat. i have PSATs on that saturday, though, so i don't know what i'm gonna do. poo on the college board! and poo on their one-PSAT-a-year schedule. at least there's multiple dates for the SATs. speaking of, i start hakwon (SAT school) this weekend, and i think next week i'm starting my GATE art class--i chose computer graphics this year. i've done watercolors almost every year so i'm kind of nervous...new grounds. but i wanna do watercolor again next year. even though i think i suck at it. not that i'm much better at CG, right? hehe. ah well. time to learn something new, at least.

just and update, i suppose. i think i'll take to writing my poetry up here like i used to do with my livejournals, once i start writing again. next time, though. gotta do hw now. actually, here's one that i'll just write

i wish you wouldn't toy with my heart
the way you do
i wish you could just tell me how you feel
instead of drawing me close
then pushing me aside
then come crawling back
only to leave me cold again
what do you ask of me?
i come so close to understanding you
but you just end up leaving me
and it's like endless winter, not knowing if spring will come back
and you come and hope blooms
only to be crushed by your unrelenting heel
crushed so well into the ground that i can barely ply my heart
off of the ground to hold it close and whisper comforting words
and tend it and make it okay again
i wish you'd stop crushing me and my hopes
i wish i knew what bothers you
i wish i knew how to cure you...

i'm up at 12:00 on a saturday night doing nothing when i have to wake up super-early to get to church tomorrow morning. i'll be running around to outdoor mass, then to a SOL meeting, then hurry home to work on my patriotism project. but that shouldn't be too hard, 'cuz most of it's stuff like essays and analyzations and everyone know's i'm pretty opinionated, so thi nking up responses shouldn't be too hard.

so let's talk about my day then. i went to choir camp from 8:00 until 3:15ish, then went to the beach for the little "after-party" thing until about 7:00. i had to dance for several hours, so i'm SUPER TIRED. thing is i could've gotten an extra hour of sleep...blah. so i went in and we did mostly ballet stuff with our choreographer for the day, amy, for two hours. i cannot do chenays (sp? i KNOW i got this one wrong) for the life of me. but stuff like...well i won't say. i know i'll butcher the spellings like no other because i DONT SPEAK FRENCH...ai yai yai. and so we did that stuff and then we went and learned part of call of the flowers (something from the opera Lakme that you hear a lot in commercials and stuff) and some of the second part of thoroughly modern millie...ahk! love that song. i'm glad it'll be part of our competition set. i also wanna do "what i did for love" as our ballad...right after only hope. i think that'd be cute...like only hope as when a girl's completely in love, and what i did for love as kind of reflecting on that past love? hehe. but i digress.

so yeah...i didn't really have fun at the beach. there's this one guy that's just being a total ass to me. and all of you who know me know that i don't usually cuss, so you can tell to the degree of intensity my dislike for him has reached. and there was also nothing really to do. so i just kinda vegged and made conversation with my choir teacher and some of the adults sitting around. i wanna learn how to knit! sean murray's mom (i think) was knitting. looks like fun. so that was kind of a bust.

being president is hard...it's much better than if i had been prez last year, but the girls can still be kinda hard to keep focused. but i think we're gonna have a great year...they all seem really enthusiastic, and most of them have really great voices. i hear them in back of me doing little riffs and stuff on shine on me and only hope and junk and i feel insanely jealous. hehe. but whatever...i can't have that kind of voice so i'll just be grateful for what i have.

i made band audition for kmcc! i guess i kinda was a shoe-in, but i was still worried. and i say this with all kinds of modesty...i really thought there was a good chance i wouldn't make it.

kmcc youth council elections are also here, and i'm running for VP...i really hope i get it, guys. i'm so scared. what can i do? i mean seriously...what if people vote for popularity over ability? i mean it's not like i'm completely friendless, but my opponent definitely has more friends within this particular circle than i. i'm closer to others at the church and with st thomas people and stuff. i don't always get along with kmcc people, but i really want to make our church a better place. if nothing else, i'd like to have accomplished at least that here. i'll be so disappointed if i don't make vp. i know that the other guy wil be too...but honestly, i can't picture him as president the next year. if he can't pay attention to a meeting as a regular officer and not cause disruptions like he's apt to do occasionally, how will he keep the rest of us under control? i think that was kind of the problem we had last year. i don't have enough friends to chitchat with there, plus i care more about what we're doing than petty gossip, so i wouldn't have a problem with that. but still...one worries.

anyhow i've talekd long enough, my fingers cramp, my butt goes numb, and my eyes are closing like iron doors. byebye people!

i hadn't had a computer in a while. and then i got it back but i was too lazy to update this thing. so here goes..

school has since started from the last time i wrote, and it's horrible. i mean, my teachers are all great, yeah. but i can't STAND getting up so early in the morning! i hate having 0 period, but it's the only way i can fit everything in. the only thing i'm hoping is that i don't need another science for next year to fulfill the requirements for certain colleges, so that i can have only 6 periods next year.

speaking of colleges, i really don't know what i'm gonna do with that. i've been thinking about taking the community college route and transferring once my general education units are finished, so that i'll save money and maybe time, if i work hard enough. the place i have my heart set on is super-expensive, so it's gonna be really hard. i don't think it'll be quite as hard to get there, though. loyola costs about $36,000 a year when you factor in everything--tuition, room&board, and personal expenses. i suppose i can always get a job, and scholarships, grants, financial aid, etc, but what if it's still not enough for all four years? that's why i've been thinking about this. i mean, all i have presently is a $1000 scholarship from the sat 9 when i was a freshman. i haven't gotten word about whether i've gotten it this year yet. but say it goes on the whole time i'm in high school, that's $3000 i've just created for myself. that one's not so hard for me to get cuz i usually do well on tests. but grades-wise, not so much. i don't know what i'm gonna do. do i even fill requirements, or will i be busting my butt retaking all my classes? i don't even know. bah humbug. what to do, what to do...

anyhow. other stuff? i'm joining sol, along with my sister, her friend, and my cousin. ah yes...it's kinda funny. i have my loyalties torn between two places. but kmcc is my home church, so i guess that's where my priorities lie. i'm also running for vice president...i'm really curious to who else is running. but if i don't make it...oish. that won't be fun.

well i'm gonna update again later. byebye

i'm muy tired. just thought i'd update. i haven't been able to sign up for that mathlab thing so i haven't been able to study what i missed. kinda sucks when you're on a spiritual high and then life hits, doesn't it? last year i was able to hang onto it all year. let's see where it takes me now, shall we?

so i've been seriously considering religious vocation lately. i know whatever i'm gonna do, it's gonna be within the Church. but i don't know what to do! ever since i was a little kid, people have been saying to me, "you should be a nun." fr sean told me that years ago when i was just a kid and i didn't know what i'd do the next week, let alone so far in my life. but now, i don't know what i want anymore. but i know this--if God wants me to be a nun, then that's what i'll be.

for the past...i don't even know how long...i've known that whatever i do will be in the Church. i can't imagine all the aspects of my life not being intertwined with my faith. but to be a nun? i don't know. maybe that's what i'm being called to be. still, i don't know. i went up to the altar call because i'm considering it. i'm not gonna rule it out anymore because with God, anything is possible. with Him, i can give up my secular needs and live in complete poverty. (all the people that know me are smirking and goin "yeah right" right now, probably...) but i'm still unsure. is that what i'm supposed to do? yeah, the talents and whatnot that i've been given can definitely be applied as a sister. but i can't live without boys! haha jk. i don't know. i really just don't know.

my friend, who's also been discerning for this whole past year, told me a beautiful story of something that happened to her, a sign God gave to her. i won't include the details, because i don't know if something she wants shouted over the public. but it brought tears to my eyes...God is so wonderful, so beautiful. you know who you are--i wish you luck and i'm praying for you! i'm so glad i got to know you and see you change. you have become such a beautiful person!

as for myself...i'll keep thinking about it. in the meanwhile i'll keep learning about the Church, keep learning about my religion, keep learning about God, keep praying...and who knows? maybe i'll be sent a sign, maybe...something. i don't know. just keep praying, yeah? God has blessed me with the strength to overcome my obstacles. i know He will answer me.

i don't know, though. what do you guys think? i have people already calling me sister clara, true. but how do i know this is what's right for me? how do i know if this is what God's calling me for, not what i'm planning right now? (wanna make God laugh? tell Him your plans.) and if i don't respond, how do i know i won't forever regret not responding? and if i do, will i always wonder what would it've been like to be a nun? if i should've been one?

i have so many questions, Lord. i don't know what to do.

it was so wonderful. i'm so blessed to have been able to share this experience with all my brothers and sisters in Christ. God is SO GOOD! all the time, He is SO GOOD! Jesus is KING, HALLELUJAH!

on thursday i arrived at st thomas to attend mass, to sleep, all that good stuff. i met up with old friends and junk, and saw lots of new faces. there were 215 of us in the fiat group! so we went to mass, and then had a meeting, watched a video from steubie, and then we played games, did skits and other stuff. it was really fun! and then we went to sleep. or tried, anyhow. you know, someone was snoring SO LOUDLY...i think someone prodded her and she turned over and then it stopped...at like 6 in the morning. so i only got a few hours of sleep that night.

on friday morning we woke up and ate breakfast. repacked our stuff, etc etc. then we ate lunch, and then the busses came and we were on our way. we had 4 busses packed full of people. my bus was pretty cool. helen joo was on my bus xD hi helen! hehe. anyhow so we got to san diego state university, finally, and went to our dorms (we were so far from the arena! -_- how come the guys always get better dorms than the girls, man? not fair. plus they had more showers. anyhow, so we did that junk and then met back up for the opening session. jesse romero spoke (he was very...spirited) and we had a short adoration. it was pretty nice, but a little uncomfortable because of the short space for kneeling and stuff. of course all that stuff didnt matter the next night...

we had mass on saturday with fr amesburry (sp?). you are loved! hehe. then we had separate talks and stuff, and we came back for ultimately the big huge adoration that goes on for an hour. it was so beautiful. i felt Jesus's presence there with me, like He had His arms outstretched towards me. i felt so unworthy. i didn't start crying until fr stan fortuna (who also spoke earlier that day) started talking about the ten lepers Jesus healed. i felt like i was one of them--too ugly, hideous, too disfigured for Jesus in all His holiness to lay eyes on. but i felt Him with me and i started bawling, because i knew i was unworthy but His love and mercy was just so wonderful. He wanted me! He wanted me back in His arms, regardless of what i've said or done in the past, because it's in the past. i cried for at least half an hour straight. my Jesus loves me! i looked at the monstrance and i could only think "Jesus, You are so beautiful..." and bursting into tears again. someone behind me was speaking in tongues, my friend gabby received the gift of laughter, and the whole experience was just so beautiful, so wonderful, and i just felt so blessed. that whole night was so wonderful for me. i only felt a taste of Jesus's love for me and even that was so overwhelming. Jesus filled me with a love for everyone. i love all of you guys! i knew from then that no matter what, i could rely on God to help me out...whatever i was going through, i knew that if i just gave my worries to God, then He would find a way for me. that night, caroline, gabby, and i were looking for somewhere to go to confession. we were gonna go to the one in the guys' dorms, but we decided against it and just started back for our dorms. too bad we didn't exactly know the way, huh? we nearly got lost several times. i just prayed, "Lord, help us find our way back safely to the dorms," and somehow we got there okay. God worked through caroline by showing her the way. it was a way our group had never gone through before. we weren't even worried. we were walking on the street saying goodnight to everyone, and singing praise songs at the top of our lungs. it was so beautiful!

sunday morning, we had mass and praise and stuff. my heart felt so light. and during mass, so many people answered the altar call. i saw mike and joe sunwoo, john (hong? from north hollywood, not malnutrition john), jinkyu (fr song! hehe), a grip of other guys go up. from the girls, it was gabby, me, and a few other girls. i tell you, the love i felt from the arena and the girls with me in front of the altar was so wonderful. i haven't been sure about my vocation, and i'm still not. but now i know, if that's what God calls me for, then i'm completely ready. i will give up my life for Him at the drop of a hat. no matter what i do though, i will do something for the Church. i can't imagine not having Catholicism in everything i do. on the bus back home, gabby and i were joking around about being nuns together--she said if i was a nun, i would turn the convent into something out of the sister act. hehe. while we were going home we were just praising and stuff. it was great. ji (who, along with joy, had passed out the night before...i was so worried!) played guitar for us while we sang.

so that was my weekend. it was so great! it may not have been typical, but it was so much better than anything i could've wasted it on. praise the Lord, hallelujah! may God bless you and everyone around you.

i have to go take a shower and get ready for class. we have a test. UGH. evil evil evil! i like logarithms (ch4), i guess, but i DON'T like chapter 3. and we're testing on both. poopoopoo. i use that word a lot. kinda like kacie and "pshaw" eh? hehehe.

there's a hair in my keyboard. lemme try and take it out...okay. haha. im a weirdo, so whaaaat?? there's nothing wrong with it.

i find out today if i can go with fiat or not. i wish i'd done this earlier; i didn't even think to do it. imagine if i had gone to kmcc summer camp--it might've been later, or worse, the possibility wouldn't have even crossed my mind! it's amazing how God works, isn't it? i was so upset that i couldn't go to camp, but i stayed home and look at all that i've accomplished and stuff. i was even able to go to that st thomas praise night! the one i found out about maybe a day or two before it took place...huk. hahaha. i don't think i would've liked camp, anyway. people there are...eh. ROC, that's all i have to say.

welll i'm gonna go procrastinate some more and maybe eat some breakfast. ciao----